Willy Wanker and the Keto Bread Factory

As Wilford Brimley would say, I have DIE A BEE TUSS. And when you have DIE A BEE TUSS, you can’t eat anything that tastes good. No sweets, no pasta, no rice, no bread, no potatoes, no soda, no ice cream, no candy, no pizza, no hamburgers, no CEREAL!… And the list seems to go on and on toward the end of the universe.

When you have DIE A BEE TUSS, the best kind of diet is low-carb, high protein – just like Dr. Now tells his overweight patients on 600-Pound Life. “Hello. How you all doing? Where you coming from today?”

Eating right has been a struggle for me throughout my nearly 15-year battle with this disease. Is it really a disease, or just poor lifestyle choices? Either way, it sucks not being able to eat whatever you want without suffering deadly consequences.

I love sweets. I love desserts. I love all the things I’m not supposed to have. When I flip through a cookbook for diabetics, I’m just grossed out. Ugh! And it’s especially tough going into a grocery store to buy food. It seems nearly EVERYTHING is bad for you and the stuff that is good for you costs three times as much.

Well, today, I went into our crappy local grocery store with a focus on looking for diabetic-friendly foods. I read a lot of labels, and I think I made some good choices. But sometimes those good choices are not good at all.

If you look at the picture that accompanies this post, you will see a piece of bread with a giant hole in it. That’s from a loaf of keto-friendly bread that cost almost 6 damn dollars. When I first opened the package, I was like: “What the fuck?” It wasn’t just one or two pieces that had this ginormous hole in them, but literally half the entire loaf and then some.

I sent the picture to my wife who was at work, and I told her that this must be the way they reduce the carbs. Is it? Surely not. Did the guy who baked this particular batch have a bread fetish and stick something weird in that loaf that I don’t want to know about? Gross.

But I was so damn hungry, I made myself a summer sausage sandwich. Sausage is fine. No carbs.

Just so you know, keto-friendly bread pretty much sucks… and it’s expensive. This particular bread I ate had ZERO flavor. It was sort of dry, too, and it kind of smelled like wood paneling from the 1970s. Oh, and the giant hole. That, too. So, what will I do with it? I suppose since I paid so much for it, I’ll just suck it up and try to get through the loaf with the help of family members and a jar of peanut butter… Or maybe I can turn the pieces into some sort of sexually frustrated finger puppets. Yeah. Sexually frustrated finger puppets with DIE A BEE TUSS and they complain about keto-friendly bread all day in their weird little village where the government frowns upon any sort of joy.

Thanks for reading about my problems with DIE A BEE TUSS.


6 thoughts on “Willy Wanker and the Keto Bread Factory

  1. walkingoffthechessboard September 6, 2022 / 1:32 pm

    I know this is a challenging condition from others, Aaron. And yeah, pretty much everything we eat seems to be bad for all of us for one reason or another. I try to focus within each day and if I have a “cheat” moment, I try to compensate with the next meal. I guess it comes down to everything in moderation.

    • Aaron Aldous Cinder September 6, 2022 / 2:51 pm

      Moderation… You are right about that. The key to many things in life.

  2. Ray Van Horn, Jr. September 6, 2022 / 5:59 am

    I was cracking up at the title, then I had to check myself with the serious tone of this post. Sorry you gotta deal with this, brother and hope you stay on the good side of it.

  3. waywardsparkles September 6, 2022 / 1:28 am

    Aaron,
    Holey Moley, that is one weird slice of bread! I’d have headed to sausage, cheese and crackers. Glad you’re eating healthier, even though there seems to be holes in your diet! Ah well, we all do the best we can! All I’m going to say is — Sugar Free Popsicles! They cover a lot of ground when trying to cut out carbs! Mona

Your thoughts?