A table of ass juts out from her backside. People call her the Lunch Lady because a person could put their tray of food right up on there, pull up a chair, and eat. She just needs to be still for a spell and not do anything nasty.
Shelby Grace works in the pharmacy of a hospital in Charlie Brown, Tennessee. She’s not very good at her job because she moves like a sloth high on grass. She’s single and lives alone in an apartment near her work with her dog Testicles. She likes to eat a lot as she watches My 600-Pound Life on Discovery Channel.
“How you all doing?” she says, mimicking Dr. Now. Food sprays out of her mouth as she does this. Testicles the dog runs away and hides. He thinks she’s gross. He wishes he could live somewhere else.
Shelby Grace, (aka Dinner Plate, aka the Lunch Lady, aka Butt Restaurant…) sits back for a moment and looks at the disgusting array of plates and bowls and cups in front of her on the coffee table. “I eat way too much,” she confesses to herself. “I think I need help.” There was a closeup of Dr. Now on the screen and Shelby Grace then realizes that he is talking to her through the television: “Shelby Grace, your eating habits are out of control. Stop lying. Look at your body. I could have a sit-down meal on your rear end. You eat way too much food. If you want weight loss surgery, you’re going to have to show me you are motivated and invested in your own health…Do you understand?”
Shelby Grace haphazardly stands up. “That’s it! I’m going to go see Dr. Now. He’ll help me,” she exclaims with a victory pump of her fist over her head. “Yes, Dr. Now! I understand, and I promise you this. I’m going to be the best patient you ever had.”
Her cousin Lawrence helps her pack the car for the long trip to Houston. He’s going to be her driver and personal life coach along the journey.
Shelby Grace comes out of the apartment with the last of her things. Testicles the dog will be looked after by a neighbor, and he’s so happy that he wags his tail ferociously as he watches from the living room window as her and Lawrence pull away. He barks with joy. Solitude at last!
“It’s going to be a long drive,” Lawrence says to her once they are on the interstate.
“Mmm hmm, says Shelby Grace. “How about we stop for something to eat before we get too far along.”
“Come on now Shelby Grace, you got to stop eating so much. Dr. Now is going to be pissed off if you go waddling in there smelling like French fries.”
She slaps his arm. “Lawrence, I swear. You’re supposed to be supporting me, not putting me down.”
“And you’re supposed to be focusing on losing weight, not on fast food alley up in here.”
Shelby Grace looks at her watch and sighs. “Well, I suppose that orange rapist ass clown is in the White House by now.”
Lawrence wants to slam his head against the steering wheel until he’s unconscious. “Fuck him, and we’re not going to talk about it anymore.”
And they don’t.
Instead, Shelby Grace convinces Lawrence to go through a Wendy’s drive-thru. “I promise this will be the very last time,” she says.
Lawrence shrugs her off. “Yeah, right.” He pulls up to the menu that talks. “Hi, we’d like to get two double hamburgers with everything, two orders of large fries, two large Cokes…”
She leans across him and yells into the menu speaker. “Oh, oh, and a large Frosty, and um, you better add another burger, oh, a 20-piece Saucy Nuggs, and a parmesan Caesar salad.”
“Shelby Grace! You’re the size of a Dumpster,” Lawrence scolds. “Do you want to be the size of two Dumpsters”
“I’m hungry!”
“Dr. Now is going to whoop your ass!”
“Lawrence! He is not. He’s a nice little man. Just like that cat our neighbors have, Gumdrop.”
“Well, I’d rather pet a nice kitty named Gumdrop than a dog named Testicles.”
“It’s cute.”
“It’s gross.”
They pull around and bags and cups are soon handed through the window. “Thank you, thank you, thank you” Lawrence says to the drive-thru girl.
And then, they are off again.
Shelby Grace is covered in food stains by the time they reach Memphis, and she wants to stop for the day. “I can’t take anymore of this. My big butt hurts.”
“What the hell!? We’ve only gone but 200 and some miles, Shelby Grace. At this pace we won’t get there until next week.”
“I don’t care, Lawrence. I’m tired. Find us a hotel.”
He does what she says and pulls into the first decent place he sees, a Holiday Inn. Lawrence goes in to get a room lined up while Shelby Grace stays in the car and moans and groans. “Oh, lordy, lordy, why did I think I could do this? Lawrence! Hurry up now. I got to lie down on a bed.”
Lawrence returns and helps her hobble to the room. He goes back out to retrieve their things while Shelby Grace sprawls out on one of the beds like a beached whale.
When Lawrence returns with their bags, he finds Shelby Grace looking through her phone. “I want to order a pizza,” she says to him.
Lawrence drops the bags to the floor. “A pizza! Shelby Grace, you’re going to gain 100 pounds before we even get there.”
“Oh, hush. I’m cranky and hungry. Do you want one?”
“A whole pizza!? Hell no, girl. I’ll just get something from the snack machine.” With that, Lawrence walks out of the room and slams the door.
Lawrence stands outside the hotel drinking a 7-Up and smoking a Kool cigarette. He’s trying to quit, but this trip is already proving to be too much for his fragile nerves. The Memphis air is stagnant. The stars above are mostly blotted out by the light pollution. He can hear the roar of traffic out on the interstate. For a moment he ponders just getting in the car and leaving her behind. It’s a momentary thought, though. He knows his conscience could never handle the guilt. He is a good man deep down inside.
A while later he watches as the pizza delivery man gets out of his little car with the pizza delivery sign on top. He calls to him. “I’ll take it,” he says, and then pays him. Lawrence takes the pizza up to the room.
Shelby Grace immediately comes to life when she sees him. “Pizza!” she exclaims. He hands her the box, and she scrambles to open it and then begins feasting like a starving animal.
The next day they make it as far as Texarkana. Lawrence takes aspirin. They go through the same routine: Fast food for lunch, a cigarette and soda outside the hotel, a pizza in the room.
In the morning before heading out on their last leg to Houston, Shelby Grace is hugging the toilet and throwing up. Lawrence peeks his head in. “It’s your own fault for eating so much,” he says.
“Shut your mouth!” she squawks. “I’m sick. Have some sympathy, Lawrence.”
“We got to get going if we’re ever going to make it to Houston today.”
She vomits, then looks up at him, eyes watering, mouth gross. “Not today. I can’t travel today.”
“What!? Then what are we going to do all day?”
“Pay for another night and let me rest.”
“Another night? Ah shit, Shelby Grace. You’re driving me nuts and bankrupting me all at the same time.” He watches as she struggles to get up from her place on the bathroom floor between the toilet and the tub.
“Lawrence, help me. I’m stuck.”
“Stuck?”
“Yes, stuck. Pull on my arm.”
Lawrence grabs her arm and together they try to unwedge her. “Ah, that hurts!” Shelby Grace yells. “Easy, easy.”
“Hell, Shelby Grace, if you want me to help you I got to pull.”
“All right, all right,” she huffs and puffs. “Try again.”
He pulls on her arm once more, but her weight is just too much, her big tabletop butt is stuck. “I can’t do it. You’re too heavy and your butt is too big. I told you not to eat all that god damn food. Now look at the situation you’re in. I’m just going to have to leave you here until you lose some weight.”
Shelby Grace screams in a panic. “Shut your mouth! Shut your mouth! Save me, save me!”
“Just hold on, Shelby Grace. Quit having a meltdown. I’ll go down to the front desk and see if a maintenance man or somebody can help me get you out.”
“No, no! Don’t do that. It’s too embarrassing.”
“So, I should just leave you here?”
She starts crying.
“Maybe I should. Teach you a lesson.”
“Get my laptop, Lawrence.”
“Your laptop. Why?”
“I want to video call Dr. Now.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I need someone to talk to who won’t yell at me.”
Lawrence releases a frustrating sigh. “Fine.”
Dr. Now appears on the screen of her laptop that’s set up on the toilet cover. “Hello. How are you doing?”
“Hi Dr. Now. Not very well, I’m afraid.”
“So, what’s going on with you, Shelby Grace? You were supposed to be here today for your appointment.”
“I’m sorry Dr. Now. We’ve had some travel delays and I’ve been sick.”
“Sick how?”
“Stomach problems.”
“What kind of stomach problems?”
“Throwing up, nausea.”
“What have your eating habits been like on the trip so far?”
“Not very good. Fast food, mostly. Pizzas.”
“Okay, now listen to me. You cannot eat all that horrible food if you want to be in my program. Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir.”
“So, when do you expect to get to Houston?”
“I’m not sure. I’ve run into another snag.”
“What’s the problem?”
“I’m stuck between the toilet and the tub at our hotel room. I can’t get out.” Shelby Grace starts crying.
“Stuck?” Dr. Now replies. “How did you get stuck?”
“I’ve been sick like I said. I got down on the floor to vomit. Now, I can’t get back up.”
“Okay, Shelby Grace. Listen to me. You need to do whatever it takes to get unstuck and then get down to Houston. This is your life we are talking about. Quit making excuses.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Okay, let me know when you get to Houston. And in the meantime, if you need anything else, give me a call.”
“Thank you, Dr. Now. Goodbye.”
He disappears from the screen and Shelby Grace shuts her laptop and throws it across the bathroom.
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