People stared at Bevin Elderberry and his creepy naked clown doll when passing by his table in the breakfast room of the hotel. Dishes clanked. There was a murmur of morning voices, and the air smelled of wet eggs and bacon. The plates of food before him didn’t stir his appetite. He was too hungover.
“You’re shaking,” Jiggles said from across the table. He was sitting in the chair as if he was a real person.
“I feel like shit,” Bevin groaned. He took a careful sip of coffee from a trembling mug.
“That’s what you get for drinking all that vodka last night, you big goof.”
“Don’t lecture me. You’re not my mama… You want any of this food? It’s making me want to vomit.”
Jiggles stretched his neck and looked. “I’ll take those scrambled eggs and maybe your muffin.”
“Don’t say it like that.”
“Say what like what?”
“Your muffin. It sounds sexual.”
“Geez, man. Homophobic much? You are the most uptight person I ever met.”
“Well, you won’t have to put up with my sorry ass for much longer,” Bevin let him know. “I’m taking you back to the antique store right after we’re done here.”
“What if I don’t want to go?”
“Tough shit. You and I are parting ways, today.”
“I’m an autonomous soul,” Jiggles let it be known. “You can’t tell me where to go and what to do.”
“And I’m bigger than you. Much bigger than you. I could punt your sorry ass to the next county if I wanted to.”
Jiggles folded his naked arms and brooded. “You’re not a very nice person. Maybe that’s why your girlfriend dumped you.”
Bevin picked up a short stack of pancakes with his bare hand and threw it right in Jiggles’ face. “Shut up about my life! You don’t know anything.”
“What the hell, dude! You got syrup in my hair. Don’t you know how important a clown’s hair is?”
“I’ve pretty much had it with you and your stupid clown hair,” Bevin made clear. Clean yourself up. We’re leaving.”
When they arrived at the antique store, Bevin was stunned. It was closed. He peered in the big front window, and it was empty inside. All the merchandise was gone. The lights were off.
“What the hell,” he muttered in confusion. “How can this be?” He looked down at Jiggles. “Did you have anything to do with this!?” Bevin demanded to know. “Is this some weird magic of yours?”
Jiggles grinned. “No. I didn’t do anything. Maybe it’s karma coming to bite you on the ass.”
Bevin threw his hands in the air. “Great! I suppose it doesn’t matter, though. I’ll just leave you here. Go my own way. So long.”
Bevin turned to walk away.
“Wait!” Jiggles cried out.
“What now?”
“Can I have a hug?”
“No.”
“Please. Just one hug and then you’ll never see me again.”
“Ugh… Fine.”
Bevin knelt down and Jiggles came to him, and they hugged.
They released each other and Bevin stood up. “Take it easy,” he said, and he turned and walked away. He stopped once and looked back. Jiggles the naked clown doll was still there, waving goodbye as he watched him leave. Bevin turned back around and ran as fast as he could.
When he reached the town library, Bevin stopped running and went inside. He decided he wanted to look at some books about area hiking trails. He asked the sexy librarian, and she showed him the section. “She can show me her section,” he thought aloud in his crazy mind.
He found a quiet table and went through a couple of the books. Once he had gathered the information he wanted, he shelved the books and went back to the circulation desk to talk to the sexy librarian. He discovered her name was Jennifer.
“Well, Jennifer,” Bevin began. “Any hiking trails in the area you would recommend?”
She pushed her glasses closer to her face. “I’m not much of an outdoors person. I like to read in bed. I would stay in bed all day every day if I could. With my cat.”
“Ohhh,” Bevin said. “I like to be in bed, too. Maybe we can spend some time in bed together. You could read to me while I eat some grapes without a shirt on.”
Jennifer frowned. “That’s the weirdest thing any guy has ever said to me.”
“Do a lot of guys come in here to check you out?” Bevin laughed at his own play on words.
Jennifer mocked him with some snarky laughter. “No. People come in here to read and study and get information. It’s not a nightclub. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get back to work.”
“Can I come behind the counter and pretend I work here?”
“No.”
“Would you like to go to lunch with me?”
Jennifer looked at him and considered it. Jennifer was a penny pincher and took any opportunity she could to get a free meal or anything else for that matter. “Yes. I will go to lunch with you. Come back here at noon to pick me up.”
“Sweet!” Bevin declared. “I’ll see you at high noon.”
Bevin raced back to the hotel. He showered, brushed his teeth, and changed his clothes. When he got back to the library, Jennifer was out front and looking at her watch.
“Hi there,” Bevin said with an eager smile.
“It’s 12:03. You’re three minutes late,” Jennifer said with all seriousness.
“It’s just three minutes,” Bevin told her.
“Three minutes is three minutes. That’s three minutes of my entire life that I’ll never get back.”
“Geez, I’m sorry.”
“Let’s go. Follow me. I know a nice little lunch place around the corner, and don’t dawdle.”
Bevin reached out to try and hold her hand as they walked. She immediately yanked it away. “I don’t hold hands on a first date,” Jennifer let it be known. “And I definitely don’t kiss or have intercourse.”
“Okay. Thanks for letting me know,” Bevin said with a hint of sarcasm.
They got a table for two by a window. The place was called Leo’s Lunch Bistro. They looked over the menu in silence until Bevin asked, “What’s good to eat here?”
Jennifer feigned a smile. “The Reuben sandwich is good.”
“I’m not a big fan of sauerkraut.”
“Perhaps a boring chicken sandwich would suit you more,” Jennifer scoffed, and then she looked around to see if anyone was watching before she grabbed the salt and pepper shakers and stowed them in her purse.
Bevin was surprised. “Wait. Did you just put the salt and pepper shakers in your purse?”
Jennifer leaned forward and whispered. “Yes. They have plenty of them. They don’t care.”
“I’m sure somebody cares.”
She rolled her eyes at him and shook her head before swiping up the mustard bottle and putting that in her purse as well.
“What are you doing?” Bevin wanted to know. “That’s stealing.”
“Stealing? Businesses steal from us every day,” Jennifer snipped. “Nobody is going to miss a little mustard.”
“Do you even like mustard?”
“I love mustard,” she answered.
“Why don’t you marry it then,” Bevin teased.
“So funny. Why don’t you stop acting like you’re in the fifth grade.”
“Geez. I’m just trying to lighten the mood while you’re pilfering everything.”
“Shhh, here comes the waitress.”
“Hi guys, my name is Stephanie and I’ll be taking care of you today. Can I start you off with something to drink.”
“I’ll just have water,” Jennifer said.
“I’ll have a lemonade.”
“Great. Any appetizers?”
“No,” Jennifer answered. “But could you bring us two loaves of your bread. It’s just so darn delicious.”
“Of course,” the waitress named Stephanie said and she smiled before turning away.
Bevin leaned forward and angrily whispered, “You’re going to steal that extra loaf of bread aren’t you?”
“I want it for a snack later. Could you hand me the dish of those wrapped butter pads?”
Bevin reluctantly did as he was asked, and she dumped the contents of the dish into her purse.
“What if they melt all over the place?”
“Don’t worry about it… And, you are paying for this lunch, right?”
“Um, yes?”
“You’re the one who asked me out… I need some toilet paper at home so I’m going to use the restroom. Please order me the grilled cheese sandwich with a bowl of tomato soup.”
As soon as Jennifer vanished into the realm of the restrooms, Bevin decided he was going to vanish as well. He was done with her. He left no money. He left no note of explanation. He just left.
Special thanks to Edge of Humanity Magazine for publishing three of my poems recently: Coffee Shop Rain, The Translucent Wander Pain, and Space Curtain. Please go check them out! Also, a reminder that my new e-book is now available for purchase: The Apocalypse Pipe. The print edition is also now available! Thanks for reading and supporting independent creators.
CEREAL AFTER SEX 
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